TEARS

Numb, Angry, feel­ing cheat­ed sums up my feel­ings right now. I Can’t seem to get past them. In the mean­time every­thing goes on as usu­al. Time seem to stop for me only.  Friends and well-wish­ers tell me to think about the hap­py moments we shared, those make things much worse, they bring more tears. I present­ly live some­where between denial and com­plete paral­y­sis. If I allow myself to think the unthink­able I believe I will nev­er come back. Somehow I can­not take that chance. I can­not guar­an­tee myself that hav­ing accept­ed what every­one knows, I won’t lose my mind. That train may have already left the sta­tion how­ev­er, how could this hap­pen to me, to you my son?

So sud­den..

You weren’t sick.

So full of life…

What went wrong?

How is this pos­si­ble? One moment you were here, the next you aren’t? This was not the plan, we nev­er dis­cussed this, we talked about every­thing but nev­er this !

Who am I angry at, God? I don’t know . Whose deci­sion was it to take my son away? Saying that sounds dis­tant, it’s all a dream, a bad dream, I ‘ll wake up soon.

Someone advised me to go see the movie “Heaven is for real”. She felt the char­ac­ters are a lot like you and me. We all went, the whole fam­i­ly Kodes but you weren’t there. It does­n’t feel the same when you are not there. No one under­stands what you meant to me except you. Maybe I’m angry at you! No , I’m not. No words , no tears, noth­ing gauges my pain. Disbelief , in shock, mad­den­ing shock, numb, dark­ness, noth­ing compares.…

The boy in the movie did not die, just so you know, there’s still time to come home. I don’t like the way I feel about this Kadeem, you love that name ..

I gave you that name,.

I dial your num­ber, I hear you say your name. You love that name. It’s all a dream, I will wake up soon.

You were pre­cious to me . God’s spe­cial gift, I love you like no one else could. And you loved me too. We were always there for each oth­er. Did I let you down?

How could I not know that you need­ed me? You always knew I would take care of “it” , what­ev­er “it” is.

Were you there think­ing Dad would show up to get you Kodes? Oh God , did you ? I can’t see through these tears .….….…