FAITH !

I spent a good part of my life fight­ing to pre­serve and pro­tect the lives of oth­ers . I was par­tic­u­lar­ly pas­sion­ate about the rights of the most vul­ner­a­ble, those least able to pro­tect them­selves. Irrespective of the inter­pre­ta­tions of cyn­ics many con­tin­ue to do the same every day. It requires self­less­ness on the part of those who risk life and limb in defense of oth­ers, whether it be ser­vice in the mil­i­tary, police depart­ment or the man who jumps on the tracks to pull anoth­er from cer­tain death from an oncom­ing Train.

Quote “No greater task can be giv­en any man, than that which ask that he brings to Justice the killer of the innocent”.

For years I held fast to those prin­ci­ples, I still do today. Yet even as I did all I could to bring clo­sure to oth­ers, even as I empathized with those who lost their loved ones, I nev­er tru­ly under­stood what it felt like to lose a child.

Nothing com­pares, it is sur­re­al. There are no words to describe the pain, the empti­ness, the shock. You lose your sense of focus. You lose your sense of moti­va­tion. You ques­tion every­thing you ever believed. Yes I ques­tion my faith !!

You become dri­ven by a sin­gle desire, that which is to turn back the hands of time. You become obsessed with guilt, obsessed with the desire to find some­one to blame , includ­ing your­self. You think thoughts you would nev­er pre­vi­ous­ly entertain.

After all you start believ­ing there is no hope, no rea­son to go on. Even as you are torn between the real­i­ty of the present and your life­long beliefs, you have no ratio­nal recourse but to revert to the very promise of the very faith you question.

I am not a per­fect Christian.

The loss of my son made me ques­tion the after-life.

I ques­tion the sin­cer­i­ty and com­mit­ment of a God who seem to inflict pain on those most ded­i­cat­ed to his word.

I ques­tion his ways.

I ques­tion his methods.

I ques­tion his pow­er vs the pow­ers of evil.

I ques­tion whether I will ever see my son again ?

So although I ques­tion every­thing I ever believed I am hum­bled into accept­ing the real­i­ty that if I am wrong about God then noth­ing else matters.

If I dis­card my faith where is the hope?

(I love you Kodi Kadeem Beckles, tears, tears and more tears.)