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A Goodbye Letter To Earth

Jon Savitt, ContributorWriter, Comedian, Creator
Saving the planet is an uphill battle, and not just because we’re going to have to head for higher ground once the sea levels rise.

Hi, Earth —

It’s me, Jon. How are you? Dying a slow and painful death? Yeah, thought so.

(at this point pre­tend that I am doing an audi­ble sigh)

I know we haven’t had the great­est rela­tion­ship over the years. At points I’ve thrown things that should be recy­cled in the trash. Admittedly, I’ve left the water run­ning while brush­ing my teeth. The oth­er day I saw an Air Bud VHS tape lying in the park grass and I picked it up — not because I care about you, but because I love both dogs and bas­ket­ball. It was self­less. What I’m try­ing to say is, I’ve made my fair share of mis­takes. And I’m sorry.

You’ve done so much for me. Trees are v cool. I fuck with oceans. You cre­ate a home for cows who then make cheese AND I LOVE CHEESE. As humans, we don’t deserve you. So at the very least we could take care of you. Right? Lol nahhhh.

We put you sec­ond like two of our friends were hav­ing par­ties the same night and we just quick­ly stopped by yours to get it out of the way so that we could go to the cool­er friends house. You know what I mean? We’re treat­ing you like The Hangover II when in real­i­ty we should be treat­ing you like the orig­i­nal. You’re just an after­thought like check­ing for your keys after leav­ing the house or like think­ing of a great come­back after an argu­ment. Oh, which reminds me, Rachel, at least I didn’t lose the suit­case in Cabo!!! Boom.

It’s like some sort of sick plot twist in a movie.

Anyways, you get the point. And we need to do bet­ter. I need to to better.

How? Well, to start, prob­a­bly not by drop­ping out of the Paris Accord. I don’t want to begin plac­ing blame, but I’m fol­low­ing the CO2 foot­prints and they’re lead­ing me to peo­ple like Donald Trump. Climate change deniers. Corporate sell­outs. My friend Jake from high school. Seriously, fuck Jake he sucked.

Today, the so called “leader of the free world” took a dan­ger­ous, polar­iz­ing stance and pulled out of a nec­es­sary glob­al cli­mate agree­ment. In doing so he turned a blind eye and small hands to accom­plished sci­en­tists, a major­i­ty of cit­i­zens, the pope, and, yes, my very own moth­er. Shame on you, Donald Trump. I haven’t seen my mom this mad since the elec­tion, the Muslim ban, the health­care bill, the Comey fir­ing, etc.

I know I’m just one person/​model/​middle school bas­ket­ball state cham­pi­on, but I will con­tin­ue to edu­cate myself and improve my per­spec­tive when it comes to the envi­ron­ment. I hope that our lead­ers will do the same. If for no oth­er rea­son than that I’m Jewish and sweat a lot out­side and I can’t have this whole glob­al warm­ing thing.

Humankind won’t be around for­ev­er, espe­cial­ly if we can’t get our act togeth­er. And so, Earth, if this is good­bye, I want you to remem­ber me for who I real­ly am: a pret­ty aver­age per­son. In return, I will remem­ber you for sand and water and stuff like that. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/a‑goodbye-letter-to-earth_us_59307bbbe4b00573ab57a1cc?section=us_contributor